by Mark Peters
If someone were to come up to me and offer me any amount of money I wanted so they could eat my dog, I would take that chump for as much as he had and get rid of my dog in the process. I wouldn't care if he ate him raw or deep-fried him or bar-b-qued him. I would get my money and he would eat his dog. I could do this without feeling bad because I have to think about my future. I mean this guy is going to give me any amount of money I want for my dog. That translates to no college loans to pay back, no more car payments, I'd be set. I'd do it for Rover, and I know if he really loved me he'd want me to be happy. I'm not a horrible monster, I'd get a lot of money for him. This guy is going to give me 5.6 million for him. I paid $5 to get my dog in the first place. That's one heck of a return on the investment, huh?
If a stranger came up to me asking to buy my beloved dog for the sake of digestion there would only be one response. You are one sick freak! Pets are not livestock! I will not let you take something that I care about away from me! I really don't care how much money you have! (Of course I'd be lying.) This dog never did anything to you nor ever will! Get out of my face! That response might seem a little hostile but hey this is a stranger we're talking about. Sure, there are times I wouldn't mind getting rid of the dog, especially after she shits on the carpet, but I don't want my dog to become dog food.
We never really had too many pets so you would think when I finally did get one I would get really attached. The only real pet I have ever had was a cat. I probably would have gladly sold him, or even given him away. This cat absolutely hated me. The only person he liked was my mom. He was afraid of my dad. He would jump out at me and dig his claws into my leg and just hang there. Give it to them--don't charge them.
What would you do if someone wanted to buy your pet off of you to eat? I would have to ask this person if he/she was serious. I would have to think about it because my pets have been ticking me off lately. I would sell this person my pot belly pig, but before this I would ask for a cash advancement of $10,000. I would tell that person if they ate that pig raw right now I would give them all their money back. Of course, before I did this, I would feed the pig some poison and then I would call the authorities on this freak; while he's sitting in jail with his new love, I've just bought myself a pig farm.
My beloved dog Sadie, an animal I care for and love very much, would have to be sacrificed for 500 billion dollars. Since she would die humanely, her soul would go to doggie heaven with Rin Tin Tin and Lassie, & her body would become some sadistic sack of shit's dinner. With the 500 billion dollars, I would donate half ($250,000,000,000) to the humane society so no other dogs or cats would be put to sleep because they were innocent strays. With that kind of cash, all animals would be better off, and Sadie would be considered a martyr. Finally, her master (me) would be very happy with his cash but still sad to lose the best dog that ever pissed on a tree.
I would never let anyone eat my cat. Because the cat is part of my life. And when someone or something is taken from your life that you care about it hurts. And most times it doesn't help to get another animal. Not even if they offered a great amount of money would I let them because that money will never cuddle up beside you, it won't play with a ball of yarn. And it will soon run out.
$250.00, you could buy a new pet at the dog pound for $25.00 and pocket the other $225.00.
I would never let anyone eat my turtle Iggy. Not that anyone would want to anyways, but let's just say they did. They would definitely have to earn it. They would have to prove to me just how much they wanted to eat him. They would definitely have to do a few things before I'd say yes.
I wouldn't let anyone eat my dog. I could probably get a lot of money for him since he is big and fat. He has developed a bit of a weight problem because he sits by the back door eating dog treats from our neighbors.
No less than $150. My pet is an annoying cat. To eat someone else's pet I would have to be paid no less than $200 and it would have to be skinned, chopped up and fried with seasoning by someone else with mashed potatoes and gravy on the side and some Kool-aid. If I had an expensive dog and someone wanted to eat it, they would have to pay me about $1000. If I loved my pet, no money could be paid.
If someone offered to eat my little Kramer, I don't know what I would do. Trust me, he can be pretty annoying, but I still love him. The price would have to be $10 million because I wouldn't only have to get over the grief myself, but my poor parents would be suffering also. But the whole transaction could not be in front of my face. I would just like the money to be sent to my house.
My favorite pet is my dog Odie! He is so cute! If I was offered money for someone to eat my dog, it would have to be 100 thousand dollars! There would be definite conditions! The first, I am not going to be there! The person must eat all of the dog, so there is nothing left to remember him. Finally, the person must not stuff Odie down the person's throat. The person must eat him nicely with respect!
Both my parents were raised on farms: Vermont / South Carolina. I trust, not unlike other children living on farms - they developed feelings of a mixed variety for the barnyard animals: some of which were, w/out doubt, intended for slaughter. It's quite possible that they regarded these animals as "beloved" pets, & consumed them or let someone else do so for $. Presumably, this action did not present the moral knot that you, Mark, may be hoping to effect w/ your question(?) . . . - which reminds me of an experience I had as a child - concerning one duck whom I regarded as my "beloved" pet. A duck who disappeared / reappeared as the main-course one summer afternoon. To be sure, I had a fit / grieved for my duck & was sorely disappointed w/ my father - whose hand held the hatchet that took from my fat duck - its life. Perhaps due to this traumatic childhood experience of mine - I now enjoy studying the corpses of Ducks hanging in restaurant windows. I think they're wonderfully pretty to look at. Perhaps I view these ducks as merely extensions of my once beloved pet. I eat them / photograph them / write about them.... In fact, I feel that my once beloved pet Duck (Liberace) - is now writing through me!
This is a collection of responses to a question I made up with Lee Meredith in Terre Haute, Indiana. Thanks to Ryan Bigler, Kristen Duquette, Leslie Gold, Nate Patrus, and Dan Shea for helping me collect more responses than I could have on my own. And thanks to David Greenberger and his Duplex Planet project. Without Greenberger's amazing work, this piece would not have been conceivable.
Pub. May 1999