from WOMEN
by Stephanie Hawkins

Women, you think, are either whores or angels, and you over-estimate the differences between the sexes. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful! Women will learn how to support this pulling-away process so he will spring back to her like a rubber band. Women who say "no," often really want to say "yes," but they repress their natural appetites for physical intimacy because of peer pressure! "Women who suffer from panic disorder are five times as likely to become alcoholics as women who do not." Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women who go to the Hospital to labor can be considered weak or abnormal. Women who get lied to, abused, used, cheated on, and then run back and apologize when they are guiltless. Women who are registered nurses make 90.6% of what male nurses make. Women who are big or small, wide or narrow, short or tall, are most likely to be so simply because they inherited the body configuration of their kin. Women who already have an infection, particularly one with genital lesions, are more likely to get or transmit another STD, including HIV. Women were even more confident about electing a female president. Women wear strange socks. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p"s and "g"s. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut. Women talk about one thing in the locker room--sex. Women still are held at a higher standard. "Women spend their entire lives being judged by their looks, surely they can escape this after they die." Women somehow deteriorate during the night. Women search for beauty through cosmetic surgery, the workout industry, the diet industry, cosmetics, and/or through more life-threatening means, such as bulimia or anorexia. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Women provided the night's most tantalizing performances, from Madonna's opening Orient expression to Morisette's primal mysticism to Hill's soulful lullaby. Women primarily need a kind of love that is caring, understanding, and respectful. Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Women often "cry rape" to get even with a man or to protect their reputations. Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Women need to seize any opportunities that are available, because, you know, I was always taught that no one is better than me, no matter gender, race, or whatever. Women need to make names for themselves. Women must choose between attractive shoes and comfortable shoes. Women may be the only group that grows more radical with age. Women marry because they are curious. Women love cats. Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Women like it when you ignore them. Women just let it all out in what is called "wide load dumping." Women having root beer can forget they have a baby. Women have used tampons for thousands of years, but the first commercial tampons are probably those from the late 1920s or early 1930s in the United States. Women have two weapons - cosmetics and tears. Women have their faults. Women have served our nation well in the military. Women have been pushed so far into the denial of themselves that they are now emerging, as if from a war, into a realization that they can truly have it all. Women have always displayed great strength in many areas, but have frequently assumed the actions of strength only when there was no mate nearby to lean on. Women have a very delicate nature. Women have a more subtle instinct: what they like is to be a man's last romance. Women graduates are increasingly losing out to their male counterparts in the race to get the best jobs and salaries on graduation according to new research by Barclays Bank. Women graduates also expect to be paid less in the future. Women cannot get away from this. Women can now be assigned to more than eighty percent of all military positions, including virtually all Air Force and Navy jobs. Women by nature, are evil. Women believe that as long as they are talking, people listen to her. Women are your napkins. Women are very much part of your life, and you are - or perhaps would like to be - quite ruthless, both with women and life in general. Women are used to dealing with jerks. Women are trapped or trap themselves in rigid, cruel social devices that are euphemistically painted. Women are to wear long hair to symbolize their submission to husband and father, taking their place with meekness as women surrendered to the will of God and subject to the authority God places over them. Women are the only exploited group in history who have been idealized into powerlessness. Women are the inferior sex and I think they always will be. Women are silenced online by abuse and intimidation. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head. Women are now depicted in control of impressive machines, passing rows of semi trailers and skillfully avoiding sudden dangers on the highway. Women are no more likely to make a false report about rape than individuals who falsely report other felonies. Women are no longer women but clones of the males striving to take the top and leaving behind their cultural identity, and for what?? Women are no longer a small minority of Internet users. Women are more accepted. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear coloured underwear. Women acknowledge the influence of the women's movement, but they say the right to vote, birth control, education and athletics have all had more impact on women in the last 100 years.

Pub. May 1999