(for Pete Balestrieri)
by Mark Peters

a baby born to a Korean woman and an American GI, a baby in a basket, a babysitter, a backwoods motel owner, a bakery worker, a banana peel, a band of grotesquely misshapen subterranean beasts, a band of ravenous cats, a banker's dream of resurrecting his fading prairie town, a barbarian guy in charge of herding wild children, a barn being attacked by a brutal warlord and his troops, a baseball phenom with magic in his bat, a basketball-playing Sasquatch, a bat-rat-spider, a battle between man and fist, a beast, a beautiful and ambitious young nurse who plans to become a doctor when she leaves the Army, a beautiful bathrobe, a beautiful district attorney, a beautiful neurosurgeon who paid for medical school by being a hooker, a beef-eating contest, a betrothed beauty, a better nuclear power plant, a bevy of bikini-clad beauties, a big cash prize, a big cattle drive from Texas to Montana, a Big Foot-type monster, a Big Mac and fries, a big problem, a bigoted sergeant, a biker lady, a billionaire caught in a deadly swirl of cat and mouse, a biodegradable computerized implant, a bio-exorcist, a biological weapon, a bird man, a bitter divorced man whose life is brightened by the arrival of an abandoned child, a bizarre acupuncture creature, a bizarre amphibious creature, a black CIA narcotics agent, a black rhino, a black-market nuclear warhead, a bleached blonde, a blind senile and almost deaf former judge and his mistress, a blood disease brought on by a vampire bite, a blood-bank fee, a blood-sister ritual, a bloodthirsty tabloid television show host who cares about nothing more than scoring a ratings bonanza, a bloody crucified Christ, a bloody gooey mess, a blowout on a deserted highway, a body-building teen, a bogus dinner date, a bolder more daring Janet, a bomb shelter, a bona fide cutie in nerd drag, a bordello-equipped train, a bored couple who gets swept up in mayhem and murder, a bottle of booze, a bounty hunter whose robotic arm hates your crotch, a bowl of boiling oil, a bowling ball, a box of cigars, a boy named Lionel, a bright little monkey named Ella, a brilliant scientist working in isolation, a British woman and her struggles in the dating marketplace, a Brooklyn widow who falls for her fiancé's brother, a brothel full of voluptuous vampires led by fanged supermodel Angie Everhart, a brutal totalitarian society in which books are banned, a building where they eat the handymen every now and then, a bullied teen who learns self-defense and self-confidence from a sage janitor, a bumbling dentist, a bunch of guys in derbies, a bureaucratic heaven, a businessman's daughter, a busload of vacationers, a button that brings the needle of a giant button-stitching machine down on Batman, a cage which contains a vicious Sumatran Rat Monkey, a call girl accused of murder, a cannibal family, a cannibalistic zombie, a captive Sumatran Rat Monkey, a car for the average man, a careless Colonel, a carnival that beguiles (and bedevils) townsfolk, a cartoonist's work, a case involving a slumlord who would not provide any heat and who defends her actions by blaming the rent laws, a case of wine, a cash-strapped couple, a cat burglar, a catatonic blood-drinking vampire, a caustic hitchhiker named Nick, a caveman in modern day Palm Springs, a celebrated forensic psychologist who has written a textbook that other policemen cite chapter and verse, a celebrity-studded event, a ceremonial dagger, a chained-up monster that never got loose, a chainsaw duel, a chainsaw rampage, a charity softball game against Playboy bunnies, a charming mouse adopted by a human family, a chase on horseback, a cheetah mother, a child who grows up into a psychotic killer, a chimney filled with lethal gas, a chimpanzee that escaped from the zoo, a Chinese-American honors student, a Christian Scientist, a civil war in imperialist China, a civilian scientific team researching zombie-control, a classy cannibal, a clear and present danger, a clerical job, a client's philandering hubby, a clueless sleuth looking for a kidnapped heiress, a cocktail of drugs, a cocky Manhattan bartender, a colleague's death, a collegiate athletics department, a combination hair-removal business and murder-for-hire racket, a commie spy, a commitment to Janice, a companion robot, a competition to construct rockets from junk, a computer hacker who is introduced to an alternate reality by a fugitive, a computer whiz who may or may not be a drug dealer, a con gone wrong, a con man who manages to get elected to Congress, a contagion of walking death, a contest of self-denial, a controversial suggestion, a conveyor belt in a lumberyard, a cooking class, a cop with psychic powers, a corrupt manager, a country singer who finds more money in boxing, a couple making love underwater, a couple of babies, a couple of the cheerleaders, a couple's battle against alcohol, a couple's corpse-hiding efforts, a coven of voluptuous scantily clad beautiful young women who vent their sadistic love and passion for pain on helpless victims as they perform the bloody ritual of a hideously macabre dance of death carrying aloft flaming torches and plunging spears into the human male sacrifices in a gory ceremony to titillate their pulsating pleasures and sanctify the evil desires of this queen of the Witches, a crack czar, a crazed mountain man, a creamy yogurtlike concoction that scrambles people's brains, a creature capable of the most physically and mentally violent acts imaginable while capable as well of possessing the finest appreciation for the most delicate of human emotions, a crime lord, a crime spree involving keys, a criminal mastermind who is trying to brainwash young people and take over the world, a crippled man and his two sons, a crooked land developer, a cross-country truckin' adventure, a crown of thorns, a crude slacker, a crummy bartender, a cult of hungry cannibals, a curmudgeon's relationships with a waitress and a neighbor, a cyborg policewoman on the heels of a master robot criminal, a damned otherworldly creature of the night, a dangerous Japanese TV game show, a dapper wine connoisseur, a daredevil who can predict the future, a dark FBI basement, a dashing top-notch lawyer, a dating slump, a day camp for sensitive kids, a dead eye like the white of a boiled egg, a dead man whose wife and children cannot see or hear him, a deadly ice-gun, a deadly new virus aimed at killing every living creature on earth, a deadly road trip with a carload of cash, a deceased couple, a dedicated English teacher, a dejected housewife, a demented old woman and her retarded son, a demented young man with a vicious hatred of teachers, a demonic imp, a depressed and desperate man, a deranged desert rat, a description-defying spider puppet, a devil dog, a diabolical canine, a dilapidated hotel, a diphtheria epidemic in the valley, a dirty old man whose peculiar biological gift is to see every woman in the world naked whether she is or not, a disastrous accident at an amusement park, a discouraged painter, a disfigured outcast who forms a close bond with an emotionally neglected 12-year-old, a disgraced doctor, a disheartened Paulie, a disillusioned teacher, a disturbed moronic Vietnam vet, a disturbing habit of colliding with solid objects like a planet, a ditzy woman who kills her husband and drives to Hollywood with his head in a hat box, a diverse group of unfortunates, a divorcee's affair with a married man, a dizzying game of life and death, a doe-eyed nasal drip of an actress who has no business being in movies, a domineering cattle baron, a down-and-out professional golfer, a downed plane containing millions in stolen music, a down-on-his-luck PI, a drafted opera star, a dreamy but amusing dim bulb who seems to destroy men's lives, a drug-dealing hairdresser, a drugged out starlet and her domineering actress mother, a drunken writer, a duck, a dull girl, a dumpster that has been frozen for five years, a dungeon, a dusty Arizona border town, a eulogy for a police dog, a failing marriage, a fairy godmother, a fake mustache, a family feud, a family from space, a family of cannibals that kills people, a family who take in a seal as a pet, a fan whose yell caused a missed putt, a fashion meltdown, a fatal attack by hammerhead sharks, a fear of flying, a feisty first lady, a female journalist, a few anonymous phone calls, a fiendish time traveler, a fifteen-minute lecture from the surgeon, a fight to the death, a film star of the 30's, a first-rate babysitter, a first-rate WWII sub, a fishing hook, a fishlike monster baby, a flaky psychic, a flamethrower, a flashy Texas lawyer and a hostile community, a flesh-ripping lizard creature, a flunky, a flying saucer, a flying sundae of death, a food critic who turns out to be nothing but a drunken fool, a foot fetishist, a foppish optometrist-turned-sharpshooter, a force field around Los Angeles, a forest ranger, a fork, a former army colonel who has turned enemy agent, a fortune buried under a house in the suburbs, a fourteenth century monastery, a fourteen-year-old who ran away with a woman, a fragile young woman, a fraternity that is known for its dangerous hazing practices, a freak of nature, a freakish and undefined outer-space accident, a free spirit who just wants to lose his virginity to a girl--any girl, a free-swinging axe-hurtling fight, a freewheeling city girl, a French model, a French nurse with an unacceptable past, a French society coquette and her tragic romance, a freshly immigrated and vicious Sumatran rat monkey, a friend who is standing on the front lawn with his pet rat, a friendly alien from outer space, a friendship between a tomboy and a deaf man, a frog in a science experiment which develops a taste for human flesh, a frustrated puppeteer who gains access to John Malkovich's brain, a fugitive who apparently drowned, a full dress rehearsal for a possible terrorist attack, a furry pet, a future where plague has killed most adults, a futuristic family traveling to a distant galaxy, a galaxy filled with conflicts and imperialist rivalries, a gang of misfits, a gangster who is reformed by religion, a gay man who attends a men's sensitivity group, a gelatinous creature that gobbles up its victims and grows to the size of a house, a gender war at Camp Meadowbrook, a generally good-natured screw-up forced to retrieve an antique pistol in Mexico, a genetic monster, a gentle decent professional guy, a German inventor, a ghost ship, a giant Brazilian man-eating lilac, a giant clam, a giant coffee cup, a giant moray eel, a giant rock monster, a giant rotating mobile of deadly palette knives, a giant umbrella, a gigantic ape found in the jungle and brought to New York, a gigantic stool specimen, a gigolo, a girl and her robotic dinosaur, a girl who disguises herself as a boy to study the Talmud, a girl who is fleeing from her murderous ex-boyfriend, a girl's soccer coach, a girlfriend and some children at an amusement park, a global catastrophe, a glorified hairdresser and consultant, a glowing cube in space, a gluttonous gourmet, a good deal of alien screaming, a good deed, a good maniac, a good-looking stud, a good-morning kiss, a goofball accent, a gorgeous blonde with excess cleavage, a government-sanctioned beauty contest, a grad student trying to help exploited teenage prostitutes, a grateful rich client, a great sperm bank, a green outfit, a gritty fable, a groom-to-be who meets a free-spirited woman on a flight to Georgia, a grotesque one-eyed overweight commentator, a group of baton twirlers, a group of biologists, a group of Chinese musicians, a group of genetically enhanced humans, a group of lawless refugees, a group of liberals, a group of male and female friends, a group of mercenaries, a group of motorcycle punks who happen to be vampires, a group of small-town slacker friends, a group of snake worshippers, a group of vampires responsible for a campus crime wave, a group of village girls being tormented by a gang of thugs, a group of visiting Russian hog experts, a group of young forest rangers and their sweethearts, a grueling duel with axes and other weapons, a guitar player named "Scar", a gullible air force officer, a gumbo chef with a genius for cars, a gun show, a gunman's relationship with the son he hasn't seen in 17 years, a gun-toting prostitute, a guy from work, a guy getting his pride-and-joy sliced off with a knife, a guy in a wheelchair who turns out to be married, a guy who transforms into a demon when aroused, a gymnast and her muscle-boy brother, a hacksaw, a hair-brained inventor, a hairpin, a half-baked religious sect modeled after the Druids, a half-brother, a half-eaten corpse, a half-human/half-reptile, a handywoman, a happy accident, a hard-bitten flight attendant, a hardened grandma, a hard-nosed judge, a hardware salesman who allows his deceased parent to be resurrected, a hard-working sheep dog, a harem of female vampire victims, a haunted house complete with a dimensional vortex bleeding walls and an Indian burial ground, a Hawaiian girl, a hearing-impaired young woman, a heated confrontation, a hell of a lot of worms and food, a hemophiliac Martian vampire, a hero of the war of 1812, a heroic sacrifice, a hicky from Mary Lou Milligan, a hidden cookie jar, a hideous demon, a high-flying floozy, a high-pressure hydraulic crusher, a high-profile paternity case, a high-school heartthrob trying to deflower the headmaster's daughter, a highwayman who teams up with a social-climbing con man, a hint of madness, a hippie named Bernard Phillips whose mother immaculately conceived by the divine light of a spaceship, a history professor who befriends his new neighbors, a hit man who is a master of disguise, a hit squad, a hitchhiker who turns out to be a vampire hunter, a hitman's conscience, a hog-truck accident, a hole in the ground, a Hollywood glamour girl who gained notoriety for going to prison rather than testifying against her gangster boyfriend, a holy warrior in a land of naked women, a homicidal maniac, a hooded swordsman, a hoodlum turned fashion designer and his sidekick, a hooker, a horde of giant locusts, a horse-loving teen, a hospital conflagration, a host of poorly-costumed leech monsters, a hot and trendy discotheque, a hotheaded young man, a hotshot cutie patootie, a house full of the undead, a housewife with marital problems, a huge echo chamber where the sound of a dripping faucet is magnified ten million times, a huge error, a huge lava lamp, a huge percolator filled with sulfuric acid, a human being who enjoys killing others, a human eye roving relentlessly, a human in captivity, a hungry horror from outer space, a husband desperate to save his crashing marriage, a hypodermic needle thrust in somebody's eye, a jaded advertising exec, a jar of "special gas", a jet-setter, a jewelry heist gone awry, a jewel-smuggling femme fatale, a Jewish teen attracted to a black classmate, a jilted bridegroom, a jilted woman going to Paris to win back her fiancé, a journey into the heart of darkness, a jungle boy, a Justice Department statistician, a kayaker, a kidnapping plot, a killer snowman, a killing spree, a kind scientist who assists the unfortunates banished into the labyrinth, a kingly father in a magical garden, a kinky real-estate agent who's carrying on an illicit affair with her husband's brother, a Klingon vessel, a Korean aristocrat, a lady reporter who has been investigating the Boston singles scene and has heard every line in the book, a lake of liquid evil, a large brown blob, a large needle, a large number of mourners, a large supply of apricots, a large tree-climbing lizard, a larger breastline, a lasting impression, a lava lamp monster, a law student on the lam, a lawn mower/portable blender, a lawyer, a Lebanese gun runner and an Irish terrorist, a lecher who must put on a good image to keep his acting job, a leering assistant, a legendary witch, a lethal samurai sword, a leukemia patient, a life of death-defying feats, a life of poverty bad breaks and sorrow, a lifelong salesman who shares Herb's taste in clothes, a lift from amphetamines, a likeable drifter who's actually a serial killer, a little old lady, a llama-riding trip through Montana's Flathead National Forest, a load of money, a local burger joint, a lonely housewife and a photographer, a lonely sailor who falls in love with a sideshow mermaid, a lonely yuppie, a lot of nudity, a lovely lady, a lovesick teen, a low-key polished master criminal, a lucky streak at the racetrack, a lunatic backwoodsman and his even more lunatic mom, a luscious teen in a red jogging outfit, a lute-playing electronics genius, a luxury medical facility, a macabre dinner party, a mad scientist who is experimenting with flesh-eating fish, a madcap heiress, a madman's assistant, a magical Volkswagen with human characteristics, a magician who woos and wins a socialite, a major league villain, a male secretary, a mall store catering to lefties, a man and a woman, a man named Brady, a man railroaded into a murder pact by a demented playboy, a man seeking revenge against an accomplice who betrayed him, a man suspected of throwing a cop out of a tenement window, a man who develops short-term memory loss after his wife is murdered, a man's past, a man's testicles, a man-eating crocodile, a maniac brandishing an outsized power drill, a maniacal greasy-spoon cook, a map of a secret island paradise, a marauding band of cutthroats, a marine monster, a marked penchant for spike heels and black nylons, a marriage proposal, a marriage-phobic man, a married man obsessed with a model, a mass of electronic rubble, a massive toothache, a mass-murdering lunatic, a master race of zombies, a math teacher, a May-December marriage, a megalomaniacal head in a pan, a memory-erasing device, a mental midget with the body of a Hercules, a mentally challenged young man who runs away from his tyrannical stepfather and befriends an eccentric recluse, a messy gun battle with dozens of inept aliens, a Mexican drug cartel, a midair collision, a middle-aged widow who shocks her in-laws by marrying a young Italian, a middle-class family's struggle for survival, a midget in a duck suit, a midlife crisis, a militant Irishman and a Royal Canadian Mountie, a milquetoast mama's boy, a mind-expanding artifact, a mindless slave, a Minnesota beauty pageant, a minor fantasy, a missing scientist, a mission to breed with a woman and return home with the offspring, a Missouri mobster, a moment of madness, a monastery, a monster truck competition, a monster who likes to kill men and take women back to his cave to drool over, a monstrous recipe book with billowing steam, a moonshiner posing as a preacher, a moose who sings, a moral dilemma in a murder case, a mother terrorized by an unseen force, a mother-daughter team who swindles rich stupid oversexed guys out of large divorce settlements, a mouse burger and french fries, a mule who puts its kicking talents to use for a winless football team, a mullet haircut, a multisexual orifice, a murder victim who turns up reincarnated as a woman, a murdered man, a murderer doomed to the guillotine, a murderous blood-drinking insect, a murderous clan of deranged desert rats, a murderous zombie tree creature, a musician whose spirit is resurrected in his son's snowman, a mutant baby that makes quick work of everyone in the operating room, a mutant tadpolelike slime creature, a mutated grizzly bear, a mysterious accident that occurred 24 years ago, a mysterious allergic reaction, a mysterious and deadly alter ego, a mysterious little box, a mysterious stranger who arrives in a French town filled with sexual prudes, a naïve and embattled 1970's sheriff, a Native American possessed by the spirit of sports legend Jim Thorpe, a naughty word, a neat mechanical hand, a Nebraska woman who poses as a man, a neophyte vampire, a nervous breakdown, a neurotic police detective, a new bad girl in town, a new bride honeymooning at a health spa to prevent a group of traitors from obtaining government secrets, a new friend in Nikki's life, a new girlfriend, a new glorious breed of half-man and half-worm, a new kid in a small town, a new warden posing as an inmate to uncover corruption, a new way to escape the depressing atmosphere of the war, a New York City psychiatrist, a New York mob boss who's been having anxiety attacks, a New Zealand town, a newborn infant, a newlywed descending into madness, a newscaster who unknowingly shares Moore's husband, a nice dinner and a night at the Offramp Inn, a nine-month-old, a nineteen-year-old hustler, a nocturnal avenger, a nosy hitchhiker, a notably despicable redneck, a not-quite fatal accident, a novel idea, a novelist who fell in love with his wife's friend in London during WWII, a nude Miko bathing in a shower of blood, a number of flesh-eating ghouls, a nurse and a surgeon, a nurse who is a little on the wacky side but has a heart of gold, a nurse who rejects her strict religious upbringing in favor of sexual freedom, a once-promising gymnast who takes a tumble for a new girl, a one-eyed lesbian, a one-man army combating gangsters in Chicago, a one-night stand with an architect, a Pacific island during World War II, a pack of carnivorous boars, a pack of deadly albinos, a pack of killer house cats, a pagan girl, a pair of destructive lizards that harvest nests for their own survival, a pair of golden cat statuettes containing the secret to Captain Manx's lost treasure, a pair of low-budget superheroes, a pair of psychopaths, a palm reader's secret formula, a panda, a pathetically introverted Norman Bates-like loser, a patient from the psychiatric hospital who thinks he is Peter Pan, a peace emissary from another planet who comes to demand an end to aggression, a penniless but handsome repairman, a penniless hard-drinking father and his weary wife, a perfectly competent physician, a perilous breathless chase between motorcycle and horse, a perpetually pixilated playboy, a personal anecdote about being bitten by a timber rattlesnake, a pert teenager, a perverse love song, a Phoenix homemaker and businesswoman, a phony séance, a physics student and his pregnant wife, a pickled baby, a piece of broccoli, a pig, a pig lizard, a pig mask, a pigpen, a pint of Frank's blood, a pistol, a pit of hungry tigers and lions, a pitchfork, a plague released by a crazed militia leader, a plateau of panic, a plot hatched by drug terrorists, a police officer, a police profiler on the trail of a very nasty kidnapping, a polite pot-smoker, a popular gospel singer, a positive plethora of pulchritude, a possessed nun, a possible miracle, a post-nuclear world ruled by freaks and disco mutants, a potential payoff, a potpourri of creatures, a powerful battle suit, a preacher and a detective, a precocious child, a precognitive teen, a pregnant beatnik, a prehistoric weapon of massive power, a pre-infantile state of savagery and cannibalism, a presence which surrounds the city and feeds off evil, a pretty new surgeon, a pretty young girl in a dingy watering hole, a pre-WWII vaudeville team, a priceless collection of ancient Egyptian scrolls, a prickly medical inspector, a priest and his brother, a prim librarian, a prison guard and a death-row inmate, a prisoner of the evil alliance, a privileged preppie, a problem with Canadian officials, a professional mouse catcher, a professor turned wino, a projectile vomit attack, a pseudoscientific project aimed at bringing the dead back to life, a psychiatrist, a psycho dressed in a Santa suit, a psycho slayer-mutilator, a publicity-hungry black politician, a Quaker family in 1860's Indiana, a quartet of thugs, a quiet and reserved girl, a rabid flesh-eating zombie, a rabid nearly unstoppable killing machine, a race of mutant warriors, a race of supernatural creatures evolved from wolves, a race to run over the most people, a race-track scam, a radio sex therapist, a radium mine, a raging screaming death, a rare disease that makes exposure to sunlight potentially fatal, a rash of murders by a freakish looking brute, a raw and bloody pulp, a real craving, a real twerp, a real vampire, a real-estate whiz and a stripper, a real-life bank robber who staged an inept Brooklyn heist in 1972, a receding plank overlooking a crocodile pit, a recently imported creature at the zoo, a reclusive young man whose life is forever changed when he discovers an abandoned baby in a nearby wood, a religious cult of chainsaw-worshiping hookers, a renegade right-wing spy, a reporter pursuing a hot scoop, a repressed single mother who lives a lonely life in a mill town, a rescue message, a reserved butler and a gregarious housekeeper, a resort full of morons, a respected pro, a restaurant catering to the wealthy, a restless crowd, a retired rodeo champ, a reunion of expatriate Nazis on a tropical island, a revolt by the inmates, a rich dysfunctional family in Beverly Hills, a ring of art thieves who use realistic-looking statues who are actually people in suspended animation to rob museums, a rising starlet, a river rat looking to do a little cooking of his own with Binoche, a roach egg, a robotic nanny in a romantic triangle, a rocky road, a roller coaster ride of pathology, a roomful of lovesick men, a rope, a rowdy high-school graduation party, a rowdy mob of sci-fi fanatics, a run-down apartment complex, a runner whose bulimia and anorexia threatened both her dream of competing in the Olympics and her marriage to Denver's mayor, a Russian ballerina, a Russian country boy, a sack full of loot, a sadistic foulmouthed killer seething with hatred and bigotry, a satanic guitar player, a satyrlike gypsy devil, a savage dog, a scholarly milquetoast, a scientist imprisoned inside a video game, a seaman, a seaside house, a Seattle widower, a secluded ranch owned by a crippled old lecher with his two sons, a second chance, a secret admirer, a secret agent who has a camera implanted in her left breast, a secretary who becomes uninhibited when her body is inhabited by the ghost of a flapper, a seductive ad, a seedy private investigator, a seemingly abandoned Cold Storage Plant, a self-absorbed interior-decorating wife, a selfish rich kid, a self-professed murderer, a self-styled authority on reincarnation, a semipsychotic superhero, a Senatorial candidate, a sense of community in a fragmented society, a serum that re-animates dead bodies, a servant whose vacation results in tragedy for her household, a serving of human brains that will either make you laugh or squirm, a session with a patient who has six personalities--and a gun, a seven-foot-tall mutant, a seventies metalhead, a severed penis, a sex change operation, a sex crime, a sex machine, a sexually bizarre young woman who keeps the severed head of her former lover on hand, a sexually frustrated young man named Arthur, a sexy werewolf, a shady business where people leave with lighter wallets and smiles on their faces, a shallow pool, a shameless tramp, a shapely young brunette, a shiny death-dealing robot, a shoe salesman, a short-tempered Italian chef, a shotgun, a shy psychiatric nurse, a Siamese human knot, a sideshow gypsy fortune-teller who likes pouring acid on men's faces and locking them up in her cages, a silly little squint and a sweet rosebud pout, a simple country man who is given the gift of ever-increasing knowledge, a singer helping the nuns, a single mother wooed by a manipulative skirt-chaser, a singles bar, a sinister subliminal propaganda campaign, a six-foot-toddler, a six-month supply of men, a six-month-old baby, a sixteen-year-old neighbor, a skirt-chasing editor, a sleazy promotion, a sledgehammer, a sleeping monster, a slow-witted giant, a sluglike creature, a slumber party, a slumlord, a small group of UFO-hunters who are even more violent and bloodthirsty than the aliens, a small orphaned boy, a small war, a small-town dreamer who falls in love with a cop, a small-town femme fatale, a small-town high school girls' topless group-tattooing session, a small-town sheriff whose life has become a nightmare of self-regret and hatred for his abusive father, a small-town sweetie whose single goal in life is to become a flight attendant, a smarmy skirt-chasing advertising executive, a smirking superior, a smooth-talking but crooked disc jockey, a snake in a bathtub, a snitch, a sniveling chemistry professor with terminal jitters, a sociopath who masquerades as a cop, a somewhat schizophrenic experience, a soon-to-be-wed sportscaster, a sorority house, a sort of vampiric Typhoid Mary, a South Bronx gang war, a southern town, a south-of-the border hitman, a Soviet strongman sent to Africa to terminate a rebel leader, a spa that caters to werewolves, a space mission to explore a ship that disappeared years before, a space-age superheroine whose many talents include undressing in zero-gravity, a space-based U.S. biological weapon, a spaceship's crew, a spastic hippie, a spear, a special top-secret Thanksgiving day promotion involving twenty live turkeys, a special-effects wiz who takes a Government assignment to fake an assassination, a spreading zombie contagion, a squeaky-clean Army brat, a stale Butterfinger, a standoff between students and police, a startled spectator, a state-of-the-art spacecraft, a still-living mummy in an ancient pyramid, a stockbroker tempted by his superior's seductive spouse, a stock-car driver, a stolen blood sample, a stolen diamond and illegal boxing matches, a strait-laced insomniac, a strange "pleasure organ/piano" thing, a strange ant woman, a strange force, a stress-free experience, a strong-willed woman unwilling to abide by the proprieties of her time, a stud and all-around handyman, a student and a cop, a stunning realization regarding Todd, a stunt-flying squadron, a stuttering grease monkey, a successful couple who try desperately to conceive a child, a successful health-food diner that specializes in such things as "fish fingers" which are actually the severed digits of a snoopy IRS man, a suitable father, a Sumatran rat monkey that carries a curse, a summer camp that was closed down after two counselors were brutally murdered, a sun-drenched wistful South, a superficial guy, a supernatural creature who seemingly can't be stopped, a superrat, a superstar racecar driver whose career is over and whose comeback is problematic, a superstitious cousin, a supposedly haunted mansion, a surfer, a surfer's paradise, a surgeon and the wealthy father of a transplant patient, a surrogate mom, a surveillance expert, a swarm of disco-loving jellyfish, a Swedish queen, a swordsman, a tale of woe, a talented African tribesman, a talk show booker who becomes obsessed with anthropology, a teacher and the high-school student she was having an affair with, a team assigned to destroy huge German guns, a team of hypersensitive human bloodhounds, a teen accused of murder, a teen drawn into a world of monsters, a teen mom, a teen on a space station's Alien Patrol duty, a teen queen, a teen who escapes a detention facility, a teen who wants the size of his ears reduced, a teen with unusual powers, a teenage caveman, a teenager who turns his house into a brothel while his parents are on vacation, a telepathic dog, a ten-round junior-middleweight fight, a tent that is bigger on the inside than the outside, a ten-year-old, a thirteen-inch-tall alien cop, a thirteen-year-old physics genius attending college, a thirteen-year-old substitute teacher working in a rural Chinese school, a thug in the bar, a time traveler who attempts to reach 1776 but ends up in 1976, a timely volcano, a time-travel vehicle, a tire iron, a titanic kill-or-be-killed gun battle, a toddler who won't go anywhere without her life-size doll, a tomboy, a ton of obscenity and bloodshed, a top secret formula stolen by the Nazis, a total sex object, a total slimewad, a touch of raspberry sauce, a touching confession, a tough guy, a town of madmen crazed for carnage, a tragic prank, a trained dolphin, a traveling circus, a treasure hunt, a tree of sexual fulfillment which a terrified princess tries to destroy, a treehouse, a tribe of bikers who proceed to loot stores and trash zombies, a tribe of wild beast-like monsters usually thought of as being half-human and half-horse, a trio of ambulances, a trio of buxom "good time" girls, a trio of degenerates, a trio of hunky Los Angelinos, a trio of vacationing ex-college girls, a trip into war-torn Afghanistan, a troubled busboy, a troublesome new doorbell, a tumorous testicle, a turkey-truck accident, a TV-network employee, a twelve-year-absence, a twelve-year-old who uses a wheelchair and gets involved in Soapbox Derby racing, a twenty-first century space-station captain, a twenty-five-foot great white shark, a two-hundred-year imprisonment, a two-timing stewardess, a Utah community, a vacationing woman and a gregarious major, a vampire with a penchant for walking around in her birthday suit, a vase to the face, a vat of acid, a vegetarian, a venerable business, a vengeful outcast who blames his father's death on his brother-in-law, a ventriloquist with a split personality, a Vermont meadow, a very expensive wig, a very fetishistic and very paranoid Mr. Horse, a very fussy critic when it comes to gourmet food, a very high-class call girl operation run by a well-educated socialite, a very jealous big man, a very nasty toddler, a very promiscuous young lady, a veteran, a vibrating dildo, a vicious trained dog, a Vietnam vet with a brain transplant that makes him crazy, a vigilante anti-hero whose disembowelings are triumphal, a village of vampires, a villainous knight, a violin expert, a vision-impaired lion, a visit to a sperm donation center, a voluptuous widow, a voracious sex huntress with deadly wit, a Waco-like scandal, a wad of bills, a Wall Street player who thinks his life is perfect, a war hero whose 10-day leave provides an excuse for romance, a warm friendship with the visiting Eighth Army head nurse, a wayward scientist who holds the key to a secret weapon that could destroy the galaxy, a weak-willed man, a wealthy curmudgeon for whom smoking is as important as breathing, a wedding party that's sidetracked when a member stops en route to rob a bank, a weekend "fear therapy" session in the wilderness, a weird biological metamorphosis, a well-to-do Jewish family, a werewolflike alien from outer space with glowing red eyes, a wheelchair-dependent teen, a whiny brat, a whip-wielding dominatrix, a whirling dervish of blood, a whirlpool, a white collegiate misfit-turned-neo-Nazi, a white man who walks and talks like Michael Jackson, a white trash janitor who begins a search for the parents who abandoned him during a family outing at the Grand Canyon, a white-knuckle adventure, a whole lot of masturbation and pedophilia, a wholesome family-oriented restaurant, a wicked looking knife, a widow and her late son's best friend, a wild gang of female motorcycle riders, a wildly inept L.A. cop, a wily terrorist in a cat-and-mouse game, a witch doctor's curse, a woman warrior and her army, a woman who shares her love with three men, a woman who uses her breasts to kill people, a woman whose husband supposedly drowned the previous year but actually faked his death to collect the insurance money, a woman's imaginary friend, a woman's nipples, a woman's only weapon of defense, a woman's prison, a womanizing racer who hooks up with an unscrupulous sponsor, a wonderfully violent and nerdy bugger with some revolutionary ideas in the field of brain surgery, a working stiff, a wrapped bomb as a birthday gift, a wrenching and long-suppressed memory, a Wyoming sharpshooter hired by a rancher, a Yorkshire terrier, a young 12-year-old girl, a young boy who discovers an enormous robot, a young couple fleeing from a mining camp run by a shadowy collective, a young freeloader named Jerry, a young girl who gets a crush on Jack, a young hospital intern, a young man with AIDS who returns home to die, a young married worker who has an affair with a kooky coworker who thinks he's Holden Caulfield, a young neighbor boy, a young newlywed who faints every time someone reads to him from Mother Goose, a young nurse who goes to work for a mental hospital unaware that the hospital director is really a patient, a young program director from Santa Fe, a young woman who rejects her impassioned suitor because she is still in love with her second cousin, a youthful rabbit, a yuppie couple, a zombie with a defective brain, a zombie's eyes, a zoo, abdominal pain, abducted cheerleaders, Aborigine women, action and romance, adequate sex education, adolescent attitudes, adolescent foreplay, adolescent love, adolescent sleuths and crimefighters, adult mutants, adultery and wife-swapping in 1970s suburbia, alien eggs, alien invaders from space, alien parasites, alien slave ship survivors, alien teenagers in silver jumpsuits and motorcycle helmets, alien transvestites, aliens in human form who kidnap four people for mind-control tests while prepping earth for their invasion force, aliens searching for heroin on earth, aliens that look like demented clowns, aliens who intend to market humans as fast food, aliens with much larger brains than humans, all manner of corpses, amazon women with psychic powers, American prisons, Amy's scandalous sexual secrets, an eleven-year-old, an eight-year-old, an abusive lush, an accommodating but disreputable cemetery caretaker, an actual murder, an adorable busboy, an adrenaline junkie living on the edge of moral correctness, an affluent married couple who are plunged into a bizarre odyssey of sexual discovery, an African Sumatran rat-monkey, an afterlife way station where fates are determined, an aggressive species of ox called a guar, an aging Klingon war hero, an ailing union worker and a former governor, an aimless gas station attendant, an alcoholic stupor, an alien fastfood company which has slaughtered the entire population, an alien princess, an allergic reaction to girls, an all-girl army of assassins, an alligator, an all-male planet, an amazing number of mistakes, an ambitious but unfulfilled group of intellectuals who react in different ways to the illness that befalls their mentor, an American expatriate whose wealth and intelligence attract the attention of a manipulative artist, an amnesiac detective, an anal-retentive perfectionist and lover of all things elegant and beautiful, an ancient Aladdin-type lamp, an android on the run, an angry scientist and a "thinking" missile, an animal collector, an antiquated computer, an apparent subway self-defense shooting by a former dancer, an Arabic oil field, an armored truck containing $10000000 in cash, an army of fanged dolls, an arrogant local cop, an artist noted for his sadomasochism, an aspiring rocker, an assault on a candy store owner, an assortment of beautiful women in beautiful clothes, an astronaut who returns to Earth and finds civilization shot to hell, an astro-zombie, an attractive and very user-friendly "girl", an avenger, an eager New York City Fire Department Arson Investigator, an ear-splitting roar, an easygoing Southerner, an eccentric tycoon, an eerie run-down motel, an egomaniac who has kidnapped a senator's daughter, an elaborate funeral, an elf, an embarrassing joy ride in the police chief's patrol car, an embittered woman, an emissary from hell, an emotional exchange, an empty-headed fop, an endearing mentally handicapped naïf who undergoes a medical procedure that transforms her into a genius, an endless quest to secure a clean fingerprint, an enemy agent infected with the dreaded bubonic plague and armed with a secret formula that could destroy the United States, an enemy of the United States who sells government secrets, an English industrial town, an ensign accused of killing her husband's lover, an entire bottle of cough syrup, an escaped convict in the woods, an estranged father, an evening's fantasy, an everyman who becomes haunted by the supernatural after being hypnotized at a party, an evil knight, an evil realtor, an evil scientist trying to create perfect infants, an evil sorcerer who's hellbent on scourging the earth, an excited alien who wreaks havoc on earth after he loses his head--literally, an ex-murderer who has a problem with rejection, an exorcism attempt, an exotic canned cat food, an expedition to the jungles of South Africa to prove that dinosaurs still exist, an experiment to create life on desert planets but which can also be used to destroy life, an exploited black athlete, an extraterrestrial drug dealer, an eye-gouging streak, an FBI-trained dog, an heiress, an honest boxing promoter, an honors student, an idealistic schoolteacher, an ill-bred corporate raider, an illegal cable hook-up, an ill-fated triangle, an immaculately set dinner table, an important game, an impotent alien in the mood for love, an inbred barbarian clan, an incredible body count, an independent young blind man, an inept restaurateur, an infant of mixed blood, an injured dancer, an innocent nymphet, an Internal Revenue agent, an international incident, an interplanetary encounter between a giant gila monster and an armadillo, an interracial love affair, an intrepid zoo official, an introverted inmate and a cynical lifer, an inverted romantic mad artist who glorifies the ugly, an island paradise, an itinerant mechanic, an L.A. artist who witnessed a mob killing, an oasis of human warmth, an obnoxious Frenchman, an odd family, an old eccentric who turns people into monsters by feeding them worms, an old maid, an old schoolmate, an old street vendor and her Broadway pals, an older couple who are friends with Jimmy and Christine, an older woman whose bombshell daughter sweeps Jack off his feet, an ominous black motorcycle helmet, an opera-singing guard, an opportunistic basketball coach, an opulent bedroom and a trusted caretaker, an ordinary high-schooler with an extraordinary problem, an ordinary housewife like you or me, an orgy of destruction, an orgy of flagellation, an orphan who aspires to be an artist and the accused mutt he nursed back to health, an outcast little elephant, an outdoor church, an outer-space big-game hunter, an out-of-work exec, an ugly American, an ultra-secret laser crystal, an uncharted island inhabited by beautiful dancers and fugitive Nazis, an undead (or semi-undead) little brother, an underachiever, an underground city, an undisclosed favor, an unfortunate zipper accident, an unhealthy interest in beer, an unholy mess, an unjustly accused man, an unlikely blend of Renaissance man and savage who now primarily slaughters the evil, an unlucky-in-love slob of a student, an unorthodox English professor, an unscrupulous ballet dancer, an unseen evil, an unsuitable suitor, an untimely death, an untried procedure, an unusual wedding ceremony in the attic, an unworldly New York City cop, ancient Theban pebble torture, Angelino's love hideaway, anger and despair, animal desires and barbarism, Anna's past, Annie's latest boyfriend, another accident at the nuclear plant, another aspiring prom queen, another department-store dummy, another fantastic deathtrap, another great white shark, another plague of demons, another wanted serial killer, antigravity breasts, ape-like forest dwellers, aptitude-test results, atomic monsters, attractive young women, bad investments, barracudas and moray eels, barrels of toxic radioactive waste, basic human rights, Batgizmos, beautiful gore, beer nuts, biology and motherhood, Blanche's daughter, bleeding nostrils, blood-craving flesh-ripping monsters, blood-drinking vampire corpses, bloodsucking zombies, bloodthirsty maniacs, bloody sheets and an apparently stolen credit card, blue vomit, Bobby's airplane, bones and flesh, brain-dead slashers, brains being exposed, breast implants, breasts, Bridget's infatuation, bright campy fun, Broadway's timeless lovesongs, buckets of blood, Buffy's new pal Jesse, bullies at Camp Horsewater, canine competition, cannibalistic offspring, Carla's superstitions, Carol's lesbian life-partner, castration and a chainsaw, casual nighttime sexual gratification, cattle rustlers, Chandler's secret, changing times, cheerful men on the run, cheerleaders from the Denver Broncos, Chicago nurses, chicken bones, chicken eggs that infect women causing them to become pregnant with dinosaurs, childhood bullies, Chip the android, Cliff's bid for state senator, cockroaches, conflicting eyewitness accounts of a murder, corporate bigwigs, corpses who rise from their graves, corrupt cops, costumed male capitalists who covet world domination, crazed llamas, cream-filled fudgies, criminal escapades, daily skirmishes with the enemy, dark forces, dead bodies being mutilated burned sawed in half toted about or otherwise manipulated unnaturally, death-dealing rabbits, decorating ideas from other cultures, degrading and embarrassing activities, Diane's intense friends, dirty politics, disco bullies, displays of moral turpitude, dogs with fake fangs and carpets strapped to their backs, Dorothy's son, dozens of innocent people, Dr. Albright's old boyfriend, Dr. Chang's office, Dr. Garrison's flesh-melting injections, drugs and prostitution, dummies, Earl the stalker, eccentric Southern sisters, Edith's oven timer, eggs with no goo in them, Elaine's shrink, Elizabeth's identity, Emily's wedding dress, emotional outbursts and alcoholic rages, emotional problems, endless games of volleyball, enough symbolism to give Freud an orgasm, erotic romps, eternal pleasure, eternal torment, Evan's bedroom, ever-deepening intrigue, evidence of secret government experimentation with extraterrestrial DNA, evil Christmas trees, exotic creatures, exploding heads, explosive mechanical mice, ex-spies who quit the business when they fell in love, faces pounded to mush, facts and fallacies about rats, family life in a black ghetto, fanged creatures, fart jokes, Fat Tony's illegal fireworks ring, female convicts, feuding brothers, fierce competition among quite a few suitors, fifty-three fatalities, fins and slimy scales, five friends whose loves and ambitions have not turned out as they planned, five hundred pounds of condensed caviar, five popstars, five sportsmen, five superwomen, flannel-wearing twentysomethings, flies feasting on the poop, foot fetishists, former lovers, four boys, four bus-crash victims whose spirits wind up as guardians to a boy, four guys pretending to be monkeys, four old-timers, four sensual sisters, four simpletons, four Spaniards, Fred's dog, fresh supplies of human flesh, freshwater crocodiles, fried chicken, friendly folks, frozen human parts, frustrated wives, futuristic terminator cops, gallons of blood, gay bars with country-western motifs, Gayle's job, George's mother, ghostly phenomena, giant frozen popsicle containers, giant grasshoppers, giant ugly Italian zombie robots, giant worm-creatures, gigantic Sardinian hogs, Ginger's love life, Gloria's face filled with fear and confusion, glowing blue people, God's voice, gods from outer space, go-go dancers, grave danger, greed and social inequity, green slime, grim reminders of the horror of war, grotesque-looking humans, gruesome deeds, Gumby-like rock monsters, gynecological instruments for mutant women, half-human half-robot creatures, Halloween hijinks, hallucinogenic horrors, handsome young men and beautiful young women, hapless citizens, harassment charges, Helen's amorous advances, Henry's antique oak desk, her ample curves, her bowling teacher, her brother Donny, her codependent husband, her domineering parents, her dream man, her evil stepmother, her former bodyguard, her gorgeous yoga partner, her Hawaiian heritage, her hellish teen years, her niece's sportscar, her playboy son and a dedicated nurse, her Polish-American family, her powerfully brilliant but homicidal tutor, her so-called "son", her strange metamorphosis, her traditional humdrum image, her wimpy boyfriend, her witch's license, her wolf-pack of voluptuous virgins, high-school hearsay, his archenemy, his army pals, his beloved mother, his big date, his college sweetheart, his deceased sweetie, his domineering mother, his drunken cohorts, his friend's penis, his grip on Crichton's mind, his idealistic youth and his present-day disillusionment, his ill-gotten gains, his intoxicating lust for life, his lack of social graces, his lucky red hat, his missing bike, his neighbor's teenage daughter, his new mail-order spy camera, his new roommate's bothersome cat, his newly rekindled supernatural powers, his next box of animal crackers, his old criminal ways, his plucky girlfriend, his scheming mistress, his semicomatose female zombie, his sex-starved daughter, his smart-ass donkey sidekick, his Vegas-style comedy act, his virgin birth, homemade cookies, homemade rubber nipples, Homer's thumb, homophobic behavior, honchos who run a fascist record company, hopping brain monsters, huge mosquitoes in a national park, huge serpents, humans, humpback whales, hundreds of bloodthirsty ghouls, husband-and-wife bank robbers, hyperactivity medication, identical twins bent on avenging their parents' murder, increasing savagery in a city, innocent nurses, internal squabbling among trigger-happy extortionists, international terrorists, interspecies breeding, intestines splashing out in a wet heap, invisible dinosaurs in Greece, Italian authorities, Italian villagers, J.R.'s former secretary, Jack's Aunt Mae, Jack's fame, Jack's father, Jack's high society date, Jack's new girlfriend, Jack's new job as a store window display mannequin, Jack's old friend Larry, Jack's old girlfriend "Greedy Gretchen", Jack's old navy buddy, Jack's prized entry in the school's bake-off, Jack's recipe, Jack's services as a chef, Jack's Uncle Fremont, Jane's former flame, Janet's kid sister, Janice's estranged husband, Japanese action, Jennifer Lopez's butt, Jerry's girlfriend, jewel thieves, Jill's ex-boyfriend and volleyball partner, Joey's forgiveness, Julie's belly button, just the right amount of sex naiveté and menace, kidnapped brides, kids and dragons, killer rats, killer slugs, kindly priests with short tempers who are confined to wheelchairs, Kramer's advice, L.A. lowlifes, Larry's kid sister, legendary parents, legends of Amazon women, life after graduation, Lily's sensuous twin sister, limbs hacked off, Lionel's first date, lions and a rare ape, liquid death, Lisa's reputation, little Billy's nutso grandpa, little Steffy, lofty pursuits, lots of elephants, lots of nasty murders, lots of pulsating veins, love triangles involving pregnant women, lowlife criminals, Lucy's father, machetes, macho military personnel, maggots, major villains, male bonding rituals, male genitalia in the late stages of syphilis and gonorrhea, malevolent hillbillies, malevolent sluglike creatures, malicious gossip, man-eating blood-craving plants, Manhattan cops tracking a pair of killers, man-made volcanoes, many nurses, marauding gigantic hogs, Marge's kitchen knife, Marion's uncle, married couples coping with indifferent children, martial arts mayhem, matchmaking skills, mature-looking teens, meat cleavers, mechanical beasts, melons, members of a cannibal cult in need of nubile human vitals as vittles for their annual banquet, members of a heavy metal band, menacing chain-smoking clowns, mighty costumed superheroes, milk and cookies, millions in stolen mob money, Mindy's mean landlord, mischievous children speaking gibberish, mistreated French settlers in Alabama, Mitch's old friend Steven, mobsters and jilted women, Monica's sofa, monkey brains, monsters in a pit, moonshine contaminated with toxic waste, more youngsters, Mork's wild long-suppressed emotions, Morty's wallet, mother-son romance, motorcycles armed with missiles, Mr. Anderson's dog, Mr. Carlson's son, Mr. Heston's dressing room, mud spirits, mummified victims, murky mayhem, mutant babies, mutating wasps, mystery madness and murder, naked people, Nash's distant and eccentric cousin, nasty cases of syphilis and the clap, National Guardsmen on weekend maneuvers in the Louisiana swamps, Nazi bullets, nectar and ambrosia, New York City slimeballs, noises in the house next door, Norm's explanation to the authorities, nubile majorettes removing their bras, nudity and depravity, numerous violations, nutcase neighbors and teenage thugs, nymphomania, oafish charm, ominous caldrons, omniscient powers, one giant rubber snake, one hell of a scary ride, one horny alien in a gorilla suit, one murderous robot, one of Marsha's love darts, one of the most unlikely FBI agents imaginable, one of the Russians, one shoe and one boot, one tough cop, one very large and exceptionally unhappy turtle, onstage viciousness and insanity, oodles of money, our subdued heroes, outer-space pals, outstanding bodies and eroticism, oversized mutated rats, paranormal exterminators, parasite-infested zombies, partners in pleasure, patricide and child abuse, peaceful antinuclear demonstrators, people carrying axes, people stuck in their sleeping bags, performance anxiety in the bedroom, petty local bureaucrats, phantom pigs, Pia Zadora, pickaxes, pigs eating people alive, pine cones, Pinky's car, plenty of naked torsos, pod people, poor Lionel, pornographic photos of Laura, possible experimentation on UFOs by the military, posturing studs, potential horse-nappers, poverty drugs and violence, premarital jitters, preteen boys, priceless historical documents, priests and other virgins, prized and prime princesses pleasingly provocatively and prismatically presented for pleasure and profit, psychologists, public suicide chambers, pulsating veins, puny laws, puppetlike critters from another dimension, puppets doing drugs and having sex, puppies laced with poison, quick cash, rabies-infected meat pies, Rachel's crush, radioactive fumes, rampaging sexual excesses, Randy's new female friend, rats, real female bikers, Rebecca's office, recent arrivals at heaven, redeeming qualities, religious fanatics who rejected the world and its sinful ways fifty years ago, relocation expenses, repressed memories, Rev. Lovejoy's daughter, rich guys, right-wing paramilitary groups, ritual scarification, romance trouble, romantic fireworks, rooms filled with tanks of worms, Roz's womanizing ex, rubber daggers, rumor and innuendo, Sabrina's cousin, sacramental motor oil, sadistic torture and cannibalism, Samantha's baby, sappy men, sassy dresses, Satan's tortured realm of the unknown, saucy lingerie, sausages, schoolyard roughnecks, screwball recruits, scumballs, sea beasts that are compelled to mate with village women in order to preserve their species, serious feelings, serious financial advice, seven students, several super-females, sex and food, sex and groupies, sex and slime and blood and gore, sex drugs auto theft and violence, sex-crazed teens in 1950s Florida, sex-obsessed high school students, sexual awakenings, sexual gratification, sexual relations between humans, shag carpets, sharp hospital instruments, Shauni's new boyfriend, she-devils on wheels, short skirts, shovels, Simon's suspicions, six larcenous little people, skinny starlets, sleazy Satanists, sleeping dogs, slimy bugs, slithery eels, snakes, snow monsters, solid gold golf clubs, some behind-the-scenes action, some crooks who want to put anti-freeze in the wine, some flagellation and impalement, some fun with the guys, some hippies, some horrible sickness, some kind of alien leech creature, some kind of weird ritual, some merriment among the mummies, some moose antlers, some newlyweds, some now very wet cigars, some of the largest-breasted women to walk the earth, some old fashioned loving, some poor unsuspecting and innocent victim, some punks, some really nasty murders, some supernatural creatures, some very mysterious and powerful people, some violent no-good "good ole boy" rednecks, something magical, sort of an intergalactic special agent, space scientists, spitting cobras, spring fashions, spying lechery and absurdity, steel-jawed killer dolls, stoner humor, stranded snorklers, Stuart's grandmother, sudden inexplicable attacks by cats on their human owners resulting in death and mutilation, super-fast hardening plaster, supervillains, swindlers out to fleece an heiress, Ted Turner's little communist, teen rappers, teen superheroes who battle against the evil Ivan Ooze, teenage partygoers, telepathic alien creatures, ten violent women, terrible monsters, terror and destruction, terror and dismay, terrorists who have landed on Florida's coast, that Sumatran Rat monkey, the absolute truth, the accidental shelling of the S. Korean village of Tai Dong, the accusation that a nun in charge of a shelter for teens molested a young addict, the afflicted Helen Keller, the agony of puberty, the alcoholic gravedigger, the American Dream, the army of killer monkey-creatures, the Attica prison riot, the attractive and evil ruler of Lythion, the awesome telekinetic powers of a Japanese man, the backstabbing political beauracrat, the Bad Boy whose womanizing hides a tender soul, the basement of a Maine textile mill, the beginning of a beautiful relationship, the Belgian nun who turned "Dominique" into a hit record, the bills associated with owning a pony, the biological son of Alan, the blonde jungle queen, the blood fever, the body of a fifty-year-old and the mind of an infant, the bond formed between a boy and a dolphin, the boyfriend of one of the victims, the brain of the monster, the brawny simpleton, the bumbling super-hero for which nothing goes right, the butt of everyone's jokes at a school for gifted kids, the cage filled with worm women, the captain of a prisoner transport spaceship, the career and home life of Marie Osmond, the careers and personal lives of the Jackson 5, the car-wash monster, the Catholic Church in such areas as liturgy, the challenges of parenting, the Charmed Ones, the children of virgin mothers and extraterrestrials, the christening of a new supersonic plane, the citizens of Springfield, the clutches of a greedy king, the combined forces of the FBI DEA and Washington DC police force, the Commissioner's son-in-law, the consequences of evil, the corporation's top brass, the courtship between a mechanic and the upper-crust niece of Albert Einstein, the cowboy vampires, the creepy doctor, the crimefighters, the crooked policeman, the crusading editor of the school paper, the curator's daughter, the cursed Sumatran rat monkey, the dangerous lives of test pilots, the dangers of staying at deserted cabins in the woods, the dark spirits that lie dormant in the woods, the dastardly bird, the daughter of a mercenary, the dead count's vampire dog, the dead man's gun, the dead man's murdered son, the death of a little girl in a respectable middle class family, the death of a toxic-waste worker, the deceased owner's jealous nephew, the demon's breasts, the depraved minions of an evil god, the diminishing roar of the motorcycle, the direct orders of a charismatic cult leader, the disappearance of one of the test pilots, the discovery of a half-human being in the Amazon, the dormant passions, the dreaded Sumatran Rat Monkey, the dreams of sleeping teens, the drill-wielding psycho, the economics of the illegal drug trade, the elderly residents of the local retirement home, the electrocution of a computer company's CEO, the embodiment of death, the emotionally disturbed Tommy, the entire leprechaun world, the escaped ape, the ever-advancing zombies, the evidence and everyone who has seen it, the evils of a super rock star, the failure of socialism, the fanged fury of Kogar the ape, the fate of the world, the female shapeshifter, the fiendish Sumatran Rat Monkey, the final battle, the final showdown of a billion-year galactic conflict, the first inklings of forbidden passion, the first women's professional baseball league, the first worm woman, the flesh of the zombies, the forces of evil, the four saviors of the earth, the fourth dimension, the free spirit next door, the French government, the frenzied melee of ghouls, the fumbling awkwardness of adolescent sexual experiences, the gates of hell, the ghost of a young girl, the god of feces, the gooey substance, the Gospel, the grandson of a judge, the grease recycling business, the Great Beast, the greedy mayor, the green leotards, the handyman, the hapless Mr. Wilson, the hash-dealing bartender, the head of a chain of funeral homes, the heroic wolf-dog and his young companion, the highest levels of the U.S. government, the hilarious new king of Boulder's social scene, the home of a human-like civilization whose entire adult population was wiped out by a virulent disease, the horrifying sight of three worm-like men, the husband's growing intimacy with his wife's sister, the imposter priest, the increasing use of video cameras, the incredibly strange creatures who stopped living and became mixed-up zombies, the irredeemable Morgan, the joy of holding a flashlight, the joys of cuddling, the joys of eavesdropping on cellular telephone calls, the junior prom, the kid with the mental powers, the kidnapped girlfriend of a popular rock star, the killer's boots, the killing of a Jewish jeweler, the lack of medication, the lady's husband who mysteriously disappeared, the last best hope for peace, the late Elvis Presley, the lecherous female instructor, the legendary lawman, the little guy, the lives and loves of a group of Navy SEALs, the local brothel, the logical result of promiscuity, the Lord's vengeance, the lost years, the lovely Paquita, the main tourist attraction, the malevolent antitrespassing scarecrows, the Man of Steel, the man who cut off his own face, the man who dares to do battle with the government, the many unusual uses for rubber nipples, the marriage of convenience between a boorish Frenchman and an uptight New Yorker, the master of Underground vampires, the mating of the wildebeest and the water buffalo, the mentally and emotionally unstable Julia, the misguided attention of a jock, the most dangerous man on the planet, the most heartwarming dismemberment I've ever seen, the most kills ever by a female federal agent, the mother of Lionel, the mugging of a pregnant legal secretary, the murder of my parents by dastardly criminals, the mysterious wooden man, the new band teacher, the new employee at the power plant, the new neighbor, the newspaper route from hell, the normal son of superheroes, the notorious cobra-like intelligent psychopath, the not-so-good Dr. Lecter, the obnoxious Richard Dawson, the obsessive love of a society lawyer for his fiancée's cousin, the offspring of the Devil, the old creep, the one-hit wonders of the early 80's, the only girl at boot camp, the only weapon at hand, the operating table, the paranoid existential post-adolescent loser, the pawn of a sinister organization with assassination plans, the person accused of bombing an abortion clinic, the personal dramas of complete strangers, the personal problems of guests at a Berlin hotel, the planet's final phase of collapse, the playful monkeys, the pleasure lovers, the police and the media, the Pope and the President, the possessed descendent of an ancient race of Viking were-bear warriors, the potential dangers of middle-aged pregnancy, the power of love, the progression of Stacy's life, the prom-night massacre, the psychological games husbands and wives play, the rags-to-riches career of a naïve teen who's transformed into a star by a wily producer, the rapidly strengthening super-human beings, the rare and extremely vicious Sumatran Rat Monkey, the ravenous cannibal psychiatrist, the real killers, the real world blues, the red shag carpet covering the spaceship's interior top to bottom, the reincarnation of a Mayan bird-god, the relationships between a fisherman a wandering singer and her rebellious teenage daughter in a small Alaskan village, the relentless cyborg, the remains of a boy who disappeared 31 years earlier, the repercussions of a surgical procedure performed 31 years ago on a baby, the repressed romantic, the Republican presidential nomination, the resulting carnage, the romantic relationships of Marilyn Monroe, the rotting corpses, the rubber nipple truck, the ruthless aliens, the salesman's car, the same dark fate, the same rubber monster costume, the scheduled execution of Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh, the scholar's daughter, the school bully, the school toilet, the screaming of sexually engorged women who are not shy about how they feel, the secret formula of Paradise Island and its ancient culture, the sensuous lesbian vampire, the shaky marriage between a basketball ref and an airline rep who meet and fall in love in France, the shape and shadow of a huge bat, the sheriff, the shooting of a married man, the sidewalk shooting of a young husband, the sight of a dog with its scrotum frozen to a porch, the sinister plot of an outcast group, the sleepy town of Santa Corona, the son of Dr. Frankenstein, the son of the devil, the spell of a full moon, the spirit of a genie, the spirit of a long-dead female werewolf, the stabbing death of a psychologist, the stalwart romantically inept lawyer, the statement of a drug dealer who survived a shoot-out that killed a cop, the sterilization of a family regarded as degenerates, the story of heiress Patty Hearst, the streets of Moscow, the stuff leaking out of the zombie, the subject of an international manhunt, the subsequent mutilation of a beautiful technician, the Sumatran Rat Monkey, the super-powered scientist, the suspicious mother, the tastiest part of your body, the team mascot, the teenage soprano, the temptress, the toast, the toaster, the top cowboy on the prison rodeo circuit, the tremendous power of the Talosians, the trial and execution of Lydia, the true story of Henry Lee Lucas-a real-life serial killer and his compatriot Otis, the truth about the babies, the TV game-show scandals of the 50's, the U.S. space program, the ultimate weapon, the underbelly of male emotions and anger, the unhappy hooker, the unloved patriarch of an extended family, the unpredictability of happiness, the upper crust of Florence society, the vain self-serving commander, the vampire hunter who can't convince the authorities to cooperate, the vanquished messiah, the very daffy very British very determined Bridget Jones, the victim of a nasty cook, the weightless striptease, the Wellington Zoo, the whirring blades of a lawn mower, the white villainess, the wife of a French military captain whose job it is to run a prison in the small town of Saint-Pierre in 1849 in French Canada, the wingding, the woman and the fat man, the woman he loves, the woman to whom he cannot declare his love, the women of Mars, the wood nymph, the world of fashion photography, the world's hardest metal, the wormy vampire, the worst kind of detention imaginable, the would-be surgeon, the wrath of the bloodsuckers, the wrong hands, the wrong man, things that go bump in the toilet, three bayou women, three bear cubs, three British comrades-in-arms in 19th century India, three college students, three cute women, three dissimilar married couples, three escaped lunatics, three girls, three go-go dancers who release their tensions after work by driving fast sportscars out to the desert and laughing a lot, three homicidal maniacs, three kids, three members of a world peace conference, three more worm women, three murderous thugs, three seemingly irresistible women, three serial-killer cases, three war buddies, three would-be kidnappers, topless karate, toxic fumes, tree spirits and other supernatural creatures, triple deck hamburgers, twin doctors whose bond is imperiled by an actress, twin gynecologists who experience a terrifying descent into drug-addiction madness and death, twisted creepiness, two 17-year-olds, two angels in Berlin who long for mortal life, two beautiful teenage girls who decide to stay at the lake for a vacation, two boys, two British lesbians, two buddies, two cash-strapped Frenchwomen, two centuries in suspended animation, two children with supernatural powers, two contentious cops, two cops whose scams involving money from narcotics deals go awry, two cosmonauts along with their spaceship, two desperate men and one helpless girl, two diabolical partners, two ditzy high-school girls, two fifteen-year-old orphan convent girls, two grubby casino cocktail waitresses, two harried single parents who meet fight and fall in love, two hicks, two hot guys, two hours of naked women chopping up men with chainsaws, two huge black widow spiders, two inept pals, two men who decide to take their anger out on a deaf woman, two migrant workers, two missing coeds, two mysterious friends who literally vanish from the scene after foretelling a mysterious death, two neophyte secret agents, two nerdy scientists, two nubile hitchhikers, two nuclear plants, two other "husbands", two other women, two perverted hillbillies, two preschool sisters, two rival queens, two sixth-graders, two skeletons, two stoners, two thousand maniacs, two wizards, two young girls in the woods, two-fisted gunplay, typical dramatic shenanigans, ultravixens, undeniable Darth Vader-like magnetism, underachieving Army recruits, underwater treasure, unfortunate victims, unfriendly demons, unpaid loans, unspeakable acts, unsuspecting earthlings, vacationing teenagers in peril, valuable information that could help the Federation win the war, vampire bats, vampires created by toxic waste who suck blood through their palms, vapid sex kittens, various graveyard zombies, various living women, vicious alien furballs, vicious little creatures, victimized Italian immigrants, villains and bad guys, vintage cars, violent acts committed in the workplace, vision problems, visitation rights, voracious alien furballs, wanton sexual behavior, wedding plans, weird beauties and shocking monsters, werewolf sex, white policemen, wild watusi go-go parties, women on the verge of a nervous breakdown, worms, Yankee soldiers, young anthropologists visiting Columbia in search of cannibals, young commodity traders whose fanatical leader involves them in murder, young neophyte warriors, young people in search of a place to party, youngsters who are miniaturized by a nutty professor, zanies shipped to a dude ranch that's jumping with Indians gamblers romance and music, zombie chow, zombie killers that bleed when their throats are cut and their heads are chopped off

Mark Peters author page

May 2001