The Right Blonde
by Mark Peters

Wrong: Terre Haute
Right: Burnt Toast

Wrong: I can't wait until our hot bodies compress
Right: I may possibly be the right blonde

Wrong: This too-short life
Right: This lousy t-shirt

Wrong: A
Right: B

Wrong: But the priest's right
Right: Go to hell

Wrong: The will of God
Right: "The wrong type" of man

Wrong: Her cousin
Right: Her eye

Wrong: You moron!
Right: Seldom have I seen such gall

Wrong: Modem technology
Right: Ooh baby baby

Wrong: The universal order
Right: Grandchildren

Wrong: Be super freaky
Right: Hold on to your values

Wrong: Live and love
Right: Do you want a bun for that hot dog?

Wrong: The tool
Right: The facts

Wrong: Throw up
Right: Oopschlop

Wrong: Janet is jubilant
Right: Emma is in a dilemma

Wrong: My roommate has crabs
Right: And Matt wears her underwear

Wrong: I quack quietly
Right: I hate myself

Wrong: Boxers
Right: Wrestlers

Wrong: Get misty-eyed
Right: Just squat

Wrong: You make me feel so healthy
Right: You look like Bukowski

Wrong: I am so fucking stoned!
Right: I am studying the Bible!

Wrong: In Indiana
Right: In love

Wrong: The bird flew around the cage
Right: The bird flew into the cage

Wrong: The bird flew over the cage
Right: You have a small duck

Wrong: VROOM, VROOM!!!!
Right: Chomp, Chomp!!

Wrong: Doomsday doomsday doomsday doomsday doomsday
Right: Um possibly Friday

Wrong: You're a big dog
Right: Can I be your puppy?

Wrong: Your big green eyes
Right: Your crowbar

Wrong: Getting a hard-on
Right: Following the Pope

Wrong: Chased with a whisk
Right: Having a death scene

Wrong: Spaghetti, pancakes and pork
Right: Ed

Wrong: Jeffrey
Right: Joseph

Wrong: And I . . . I just believed him
Right: I have a pair of pretty ones

Wrong: In my finest hour
Right: Buxom beauties

Wrong: A real loss
Right: Oh well, don't kill yourself yet

Wrong: I need clean underwear!
Right: This must be heaven

Wrong: Hundreds of nude photos
Right: In loving memory

Wrong: 12 boys
Right: 2 girls

Wrong: In the way a good student is easy to train
Right: In conclusion

Wrong: But the kangaroos cheat
Right: But the mayor is a lecher

Wrong: I want to feel your pulsating cock inside me
Right: Why don't you come over and put some wood in my fire?

Wrong: Colleagues
Right: Collaborators

Wrong: Free diagnostic treatment
Right: No talent required

Wrong: Smear-free
Right: Peek-a-boo!

Wrong: Your sky-blue whip
Right: A simple coincidence

Wrong: After the failure
Right: After the future

Wrong: I'll see you in cckcccchcccch
Right: I'll stop here

Wrong: Jeff is smiling because "It's windy out today"
Right: Angela is smiling because "I'm getting audited"

Wrong: Thank
Right: Spank

Wrong: Frank
Right: Joan

Wrong: That happy day
Right: I used to be a thug

Wrong: We specialize in all types
Right: All others keep out

Wrong: Busy and bubbly
Right: Worst and most contemptible

Wrong: Real kids
Right: Real results

Wrong: Ideal chicken
Right: Good chicken

Wrong: If you love me
Right: On the other hand

Wrong: Big hair and a bathing suit
Right: A little sympathy

Wrong: A Chinese opera nun
Right: A second-hand dude

Wrong: Like that no-frills white boy
Right: Like the white-winged dove

Wrong: Your blindfolding fantasies
Right: Some biographical details

Wrong: A world-class cigar
Right: You mean purple-headed warrior?

Wrong: I am in the chapel
Right: Keep those videotapes coming

Wrong: My little sister
Right: A widened social consciousness

Wrong: The problem remains serious
Right: The dude got mulched

Wrong: With hilarious results
Right: By popular demand

Wrong: Mental health
Right: You're a weirdo

Wrong: I'm a badass
Right: In my opinion

Wrong: No shit Sherlock
Right: Smooth move X-Lax

Wrong: God's infinite plan
Right: You make me happy drawer with foil!

Wrong: Women
Right: Diapers

Wrong: Men
Right: Kennels

Wrong: A perfect example
Right: Beep beep beep beep

Wrong: Danish
Right: Toast


May 1999